I want to be a better mom

I don't think I'm a bad mom now but I am constantly looking for ways that I can improve or obsessing over things that I did that weren't good mom things. There is a fine line between what is normal and what I do. I get myself so worked up sometimes but its almost entirely internal. Who would ever admit the things they do when nobody else is around? The other day I called my 5 year old a jerk. I shudder now just thinking about it. As if that wasn't bad enough it was unwarranted as the thing that I thought he did was not done. I apologized profusely to him, over and over. I hugged him, I told him how much I love him, I told him how wrong it was of me to say, I promised that I'd never, ever do anything like that again......and still, it's there. In the world, it's there. Another little brick in the wall that has been building between us since he was born. I know that the wall is necessary. Without it, children would never leave home. But I don't want to be the one who's doing the brick work. That is left up to him. Something known can't be unknown, no matter how hard we try or how badly we wish it away. Something done can't be undone. I would give anything to take back what I said to my baby and it leaves me feeling sad and filled with grief that I can't and that I ever said it in the first place. My love for the boys is vast and endless and nothing in this life has ever come close to filling my heart with love like they do. Being a mom also involves crushing pain....and this is not something anyone tells you about. I feel this pain when I notice that they have grown, just since they went to bed last night, and that soon they won't even be close to being my babies anymore. I feel it when someone hurts their feelings or makes them sad, especially if its me or their dad. I love being a mom. I wouldn't wish for anything else or anything more. But I still want to be a better mom.